Sunday, December 16, 2007

Without A Voice

First a pajama party, now a pity party. I've been resisting the urge to indulge my self-pity since early this morning but I now admit defeat.

The voice is a powerful thing. Mine is a loud, sing-a-long, enthusiastic, opinionated, sociable, not-often-kept-to-myself kind of voice. Losing the power of my voice makes me realize just how much I depend on it. I need it to fulfill my responsibilities but more selfishly, I use it for my own enjoyment.

Today I have no voice. None. I can manage nothing more than a barely audible, hoarse bark. While taking out some recyclables, I bent to pick up an item I dropped and shocked myself with the unearthly squeak that involunarily escaped my throat. I felt like Westley in the Princess Bride when they force a moan from his body that had been tortured in the pit of despair.

I miss singing. Nothing brings the spirit of Christmas like music. Christmas songs are my favorites and I know almost every single word. I look forward to Dec. 1st when we begin singing Christmas hymns in church. My vocal quality is scarcely better than average but I love to sing, I sing all the time and I sing loudly. I drove to church this morning listening to Christmas hymns and silently lamenting that I would not be able to join the congregation in praising the Lord with my voice today. I tried to make the best of my situation by noticing other things that might normally have been drowned out by the sound of my own voice. I noticed that all of the bishopric sings bass and it was fun to hear their voices. I noticed a mother lovingly cuddle two of her young children and a emtpy-nester couple holding hands. I focused on the meaning of the lyrics and felt the music I so desperately wanted to sing. I couldn't share scriptures or thoughts in Sunday School or Relief Society and could only smile at friends saying hello. I kept to myself because it was just easier that way.

The usual shout to call the kids for lunch had to be replaced with a deliberate walk all the way upstairs for a more personal inviation for frozen pizza. After cleaning up the dishes I really needed a nap. Natalie needed one as well and since Jon would be at the church for many more hours, I depended on the big kids to entertain and care for themselves. I woke a couple of hours later, grateful for kids who played peacefully (not implying they were quiet, but they did not fight) even if they did make messes. What reprimands I have had to give have been very soft and up-close and personal, something I should make a habit once my voice returns.

December is a hard month for a bishop and his family. Most of his day is spent in tithing settlements. As much as I want to feel sorry for myself being home sick with three kids, I know it's long and difficult for Jon, too. When I woke from my nap I decided to do something for him, hoping it would detract from my own self-pity. I fixed a batch of rolls, knowing how much Jon loves them. When 6:30 came and went, I knew I couldn't hold dinner off any longer. After we ate, I did the dishes, which would normally be done by Jon, and covered the rolls to keep them fresh.

I miss my voice. I need it to be a mother, wife and friend. I need it to teach school (I've been teaching reading to first graders three days a week), not sure how I'll swing that one. I want to be able to sing.

Jon just got home (8:00 p.m) and that makes me feel better already. Time for this pity party to end.

9 comments:

jenny said...

I can only imagine how hard it is for bishops families during this month or any Sunday really.

Sorry about your voice. Maybe some ricola would help?? Get some rest!!

Chad said...

Sounds like a struggle. They say if you can go 2 days without vocalizing at all the voice will repair itself. Much easier said than done obviously.

Erin said...

I definitely agree with you. There aren't a lot of "parts" singers in our ward and I totally let it rip in church...especially with Christmas songs.

Not having a voice really stinks but it's good that you've realized the benefits of not having one.

Camille said...

You made the absolute best of a rotten situation. I'm sorry you are sick and I hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

I hope you feel better Mommy.

Love,
Natalieu

Jen Childers said...

What a terrible time of year to lose your voice! You have a beautiful singing voice and I have total sympathy for you. I hope it returns soon and you can sing!

You are such an amazing wife to Jon. He is so lucky to have you!

Jackie said...

You are such a great writer-I was laughing at the situation because I know the joy of tithing settlement and I also have almost lost my voice. It has been scratchy and losing volumne since Sat. Hope you feel better soon.

Ben and Carrie said...

I totally feel for you on the voice thing. I lose my voice usually once a year and it's so annoying. You don't realize how important your voice is until it's totally gone.

Sorry for calling today- you probably didn't have enough voice to explain your situation and I didn't know! Hope you feel better soon and that your voice comes back quickly.

Calamity Jane said...

Oh how I remember tithing settlements. My prayers and thoughts have been with you and your family! Hope you are feeling better.